I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
