I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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