everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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