I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
