Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
