It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
