i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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