i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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