saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
