Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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