I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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