just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
