So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
