My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
