I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize