i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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