You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
