I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
