woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
