Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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