do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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