On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
