Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
