Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize