The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
