If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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