I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
last night I used snow as a chaser
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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