Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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