i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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