I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
