Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
