Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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