i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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