Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
