I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
