my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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