Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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