You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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