Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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