My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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