omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
