I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize