Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
