from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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