Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
