Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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