I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
