ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
