dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
