Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
