hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
