i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
try to milk me bitch
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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