I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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