My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize