Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
