dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
