Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
